I set my alarm for 4am, reasoning that I could get in one cycle of REM, set up some practical jokes, and do another sleep cycle before getting up in the morning.

The alarm went off and I remember thinking to myself, ‘I’m really wide awake,’ but straight away I fell asleep again and woke up at seven.

I had a bit of time before Mum and Gary stirred. I crept downstairs and set about mischief-making whilst Alfie looked on curiously.

I put a few drops of red food colouring into the four pint carton of milk and shook it up gently. It went pink like a strawberry milkshake.

I put all the clocks downstairs forwards a few hours; swapped the tea bags and coffee granules in their containers; moved two chairs in the front room around; and hid all the toilet paper.

I took Gary’s wallet out of the breast pocket of his leather jacket and replaced it with a tin of sardines. (The wallet went in a side pocket.) A tin of tomato pureé found its way into Mum’s handbag.

Finally I ripped off a bit of greaseproof paper and smeared margarine on the door handles of the kitchen, garden room and bathroom. Then I went back to bed with my laptop.

Pretty soon there were stirrings and rumblings and footsteps and doors being opened. The first thing Mum noticed was the chairs in the front room in different places where she’d gone to gaze at her lovely new furniture.

While I stayed in my room there was a series of squeals and shrieks of protest as the toilet paper and tea bags and clocks were found. Door handles were tried and found slippery.

Eventually the kettle was boiled and tea brewed and Mum went into the fridge to get the milk. That was the piéce de resistance. Hehe. She got me back with a cold wet flannel though.

Gary got to the cash point with Hugh before reaching into his leather jacket and pulling out the tin of sardines. I wish I had been there to see the look on their faces.

The pink milk was still very drinkable actually. The taste was only slightly changed. It’s a bit off-putting because you expect it to be sweet, but it isn’t any more so.

It looked quite normal in tea, making it only a bit browner. The colour of instant coffee was more altered by it and did look weird. I’m sure the extra additives didn’t do anybody any good!

It’s childish but something about April Fool’s Day cracks me up. I love that I can do silly things and it’s part of a tradition that goes back at least as far as the ancient Romans and Celts. Ah, inane tomfoolery, I salute you.

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